A hesitant return.

by emilysaysgo

Last week, Kenzie and I went to a meeting for our school’s online magazine because we wanted to help. We think they do great work, but that it could look more professional with a little editing. So we sat down to a lunch meeting, and 45 minutes later we were in charge of an entire section of the next issue.


We were a little muddled coming out, but after taking a day or so to think and pray about it, we realized we actually wanted to jump in with both feet. It sounds like a good use of our skills, a good thing for resumes and grad school applications, and even though it’s not the best timing (starting something like this in the last half of my last semester of college), I’m excited about it. 


I’m letting you know about it here because I have a feeling that this will become something of a sounding board for all the ideas and discussions that are already bouncing around and need a place to go before they get published for the world to read. The particular topic we’re working with for the next issue is gender– what it means to be a man or a woman, especially in the church, and what God wants from us as beings with built-in differences. Endless hours have been spent talking about this in my circles of friends recently, and I’ve found myself thinking of the whole subject completely differently than I did a year or two ago. I’m not coming back to this blog in order to make it completely about gender, though. Not at all.


Lately I’ve been realizing just how much of a box I put myself in every day. It’s bad. And I’ve been asking God for ways he wants me to break out of it (that don’t make me panic and want to hide in my bed. Baby steps), and to stop believing lies about myself. One of those lies, I realized, is that there is a constant voice inside my head telling me no one wants to listen to what I have to say. I firmly believe that it’s better not to speak much of the time, but not for any legitimate reasons. Of course I’d say it’s because I value listening and I like hearing others’ thoughts, which is perfectly true, but the bigger, more motivational reason is that I fear being judged or, worse, simply being shut down. 


And as weird as it is, I felt an intense pull to come back to this blog and learn to say what I want to say. I doubt a single post that’s on here right now has escaped being deleted, hidden or edited at some point. I’ve come back to remove personal things that I later regret saying, or to fix mistakes that someone pointed out, or any one of another million things. I overthink it, obviously. So this is the beginning of my attempt to stop doing that, and to be honest, whether anyone is listening or not.